30 Funny Roasts for Your Friend

My friend says they’re ‘low maintenance’ like it’s a personality trait.

My friend is always ‘on the way’—from a different timeline.

My friend’s ‘quick question’ has a three-act structure.

My friend says they don’t like drama, but somehow knows every plot twist.

My friend’s phone is always at 2%—emotionally and battery-wise.

My friend ‘doesn’t use social media’, but narrates everyone else’s feed.

My friend has a new hobby every week. Commitment? Never heard of her.

My friend says ‘I’m down for anything’ and then vetoes everything.

My friend is late so consistently it should be on their business card.

My friend calls it ‘being spontaneous’—I call it refusing to plan.

My friend has the confidence of a man explaining Wi‑Fi.

My friend’s love language is sending memes instead of replying.

My friend starts a story like it’s Netflix: season one has 12 episodes.

My friend says they’re ‘saving money’ by buying a coffee every day.

My friend says they’re ‘just resting their eyes’ in the middle of a movie.

My friend’s bank account is in a long-distance relationship with reality.

My friend says ‘I’m not hungry’ and then eats half your fries.

My friend’s plan is always ‘we’ll figure it out’—like that’s a plan.

My friend says ‘I’ll be there in 5’ the way a toddler says ‘tomorrow’.

My friend’s cardio is walking to the fridge.

My friend says they’re ‘going to the gym’—to take selfies.

My friend uses the word ‘vibes’ like it’s evidence.

My friend says ‘I’m so busy’ and then watches seven hours of TV.

My friend’s idea of cooking is setting off the smoke alarm.

My friend says ‘I’m not judging’ like a judge.

My friend’s sense of direction is ‘left-ish’.

My friend says they’re ‘working on themselves’—mostly in the mirror.

My friend says ‘I love that for you’ like it’s a warning.

My friend talks about ‘manifesting’ like it’s a subscription service.

My friend’s ‘healthy era’ lasts until the next biscuit.

My friend says ‘new me’ like it’s a software update.

My friend’s phone screen time is basically a full-time job.

My friend calls it ‘networking’—it’s just flirting with strangers.

My friend is the reason group chats have mute buttons.

My friend says ‘I’m chill’ while starting a spreadsheet.

My friend claims they’re ‘easygoing’—with seventeen preferences.