30 Funny Roasts for Coworkers

My coworker says ‘quick question’ like it’s a greeting.

My coworker’s ‘quick question’ is actually a mini-series.

My coworker loves ‘synergy’ so much I think it’s their safe word.

My coworker replies ‘per my last email’ like it’s an insult.

My coworker schedules a meeting instead of typing one sentence.

My coworker joins the call muted, then speaks like we should’ve guessed.

My coworker’s calendar is just meetings stacked like Jenga.

My coworker says ‘let’s park this’—we have a whole parking lot of problems.

My coworker says ‘I’ll loop you in’ like it’s a threat.

My coworker writes ‘thoughts?’ like they’re starting a fight.

My coworker’s idea of documentation is a vague memory.

My coworker says ‘ASAP’ and then disappears for three days.

My coworker says ‘not to be that person’ and then becomes that person.

My coworker’s favorite tool is the screenshot—of a spreadsheet.

My coworker uses five acronyms and calls it clarity.

My coworker says ‘no worries’ while causing worries.

My coworker types ‘hehe’ like it’s a legally binding apology.

My coworker says ‘can you hop on a quick call’—the call hops on you.

My coworker’s webcam quality is ‘witness protection’.

My coworker says ‘just flagging’ like we’re in a parade.

My coworker ‘circles back’ so often they’re basically doing cardio.

My coworker says ‘we should align’—sir, I’m not IKEA furniture.

My coworker answers in threads like it’s a choose-your-own-adventure.

My coworker says ‘it’s blocked’ and the blocker is them.

My coworker’s idea of urgency is using three exclamation marks.

My coworker adds ‘FYI’ like it makes the message nicer.

My coworker says ‘I’ll take a look’ like it’s a full investigation.

My coworker’s ‘nice to have’ list is longer than the ‘must have’ list.

My coworker says ‘I’m heads down’ and then slacks you every 30 seconds.

My coworker’s ‘lunch break’ is a meeting with a sandwich.

My coworker says ‘let’s take this offline’—where, the forest?

My coworker says ‘I’m jumping on’—like it’s a trampoline, not a call.

My coworker says ‘we’ll be agile’ and then makes a 6‑month plan.

My coworker sends a message that’s just a single word: ‘Hey’. Then waits.

My coworker says ‘sorry for the delay’ like we didn’t watch the delay happen.

My coworker’s status is always ‘in a meeting’—even while texting.